Read this (I accept no responsibility for any of the comments below, nor for any harm, anger, discomfort, rashes, odors or painful backaches)

Everything is a legal disclaimer these days*. You can't do anything without reading some warning that doing it may be bad for you. There are disclaimers on McPlaygrounds (I don't know if they're actually called McPlaygrounds*) warning you that you could get maimed by an alligator hopped up on hash while playing and, if that happens, it's not Ronald McFucking Donald's fault...hell, not even the damn Hamburglar's fault* (how did we end up pushing food with an escaped convict as a mascot).

There comes a point where things just start to get ludicrous. We're well past that point now. I submit:

Now I'm for all hop-skippin', knee-slappin' good time with the kids, but holy mutherfucking shit. Maybe you didn't notice it, because it's a web video in the standard crappy ass quality we've become accustomed to*, but I'll help you out:

"Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt."

Really? No fucking shit? Well god damn it! There goes my entire fucking weekend. I was just talking about how much fun it would be to load up the rover, grab my handy copy of House of Pain - The Greates Hits (single), strap my ass into a fucking rocket, shoot myself into outer fucking space and drive around the surface of the god damned shit eating moon! What the hell am I going to do now? SON OF A BITCH!!!!

I mean seriously. Do we really need to legally cover our asses in commercials depicting activities that are ABSOLUTELY impossible without the backing of NASA? Let me check real quick...

Hang on....

Nope, there's not a "Join us for a leisurely drive on the surface of the fucking moon" link on their website*. Son of a bitch. I'm one sad sumbitch.

*Absolutely everything in this post is a lie. A dirty filthy lie. And the teller of said lies ais a rat bastard who can drown in swine vomit. And clearly, his previous post was bullshit.

Peace Offering

Note: I had written the following post and prepared to post it here whne I realized that it has been over 3 months since I had written anything. Damn. As a blooger, I suck.

It's been a while. I know. I've had a couple of people complain. Life's been hectic, things have happened, but that's all irrelevant. To make up for my absence, I will provide you with one of the funniest things that I have ever seen: The Sound Tech Electronic Doorbell packaging. First, some history.

On my last trip to singapore, there was a mandatory fire drill in the office building. They don't screw around with the fire drills either. Your ass needs to get out of the building, via the stairs, and be accounted for. Understand that this is at least a 60 story building. Since I'm so into physical exertion, I made sure to take plenty of breaks, hoping to be outside already when they declared fire drill. My plan worked and, since it was going to be a while before we were allowed back in the builing, a friend of mine suggested that we go walk around the neary shopping area.

While we were there, he declared that he needed a new doorbell for his house. Since I'm from the US, I figured this meant that we needed a Home Depot or an Ace or something. Instead, he went into the first little electronics shop that he saw and he started haggling over the price of a doorbell. At the end of the haggling, he agreed to a price and the doorbell was his. One glance, and I knew I had to have the packaging.

I present the packaging at the following link (you need to see it full size to appreciate it) and will discuss it below. Enjoy the images.

Front of Package

Back of Package

OK. First of all, lets just start by asking ourselves what the hell the four small pictures have to do with a doorbell in any way shape or form. Let's see. I'm going to say doorbell, which of the following is in the first 10 words that come to your mind?

A. A folded up newspaper

B. A keyboard

C. A Woman smiling at her laptop

D. An old Mac G3 mouse

Answer? None of the above. I'm more likely to say "Naked Midget" before any of those.

Next, "Perfect Life, Incuding in Sound Tech". Huh? What? Are you high? That's some shit a really stoned Yoda would say.

There are so many things wrong with this that it just gets better everytime you read it. "Open the century door. Spread Evernew world." What? Who?

The installation instructions are written as if they were narrated by Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

Step 1: Opens back of doorbell, takes out the attachment and loads two AA alkaline batteris (for general battery may leak electrolyte easily), uses the scre to ang it on the wall.Step 2: It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.

Sometimes, it's the simplest things that make you laugh.

Wendy.....I'm Home!

Moving is always an adventure, even if you're just moving across the street. Moving to another part of the country is a fiasco unlike any other. Since it's been awhile (due to said move) that I've written everything, I'll try to make up for it with a bunch of unrelated thigs that have been bouncing around in my head.

Bridges ice over before roads. Did you know that? Apparently not because there's a damn sign before EVERY bridge that warns you of this. How much money are we throwing away pointing out this one rule? Here's an idea: add a fucking line to each states driver's manual that informs people of this. Put it in the same section that covers which direction you're supposed to turn your wheels in a skid. Put it on the driver's test. It has to be cheaper to add that 1 sentence to 50 handbooks than it is to put a sign in front of every bridge (in both directions) in the US.

Another sign that I saw that made me laugh was a warning sign for a "Fallen Rock" area. Not falling rock, that's of no concern, but there may be rocks that have fallen in the road. To me, this sign just points out a lack of highway maintenance. They're willing to put up a sign that says there's rocks in the road, but not willing to actually pick up the rocks. Another one along the same lines is the "Bump Ahead" sign. If there's a bump ahead that we have officially identified, remove the damn thing. Don't contract for a sign to let me know it's there.

Why the hell are grocery stores different in many parts of the US? Moving from California to Illinois and then to North Carolina, I've had to relearn grocery stores each time. Everyplace has Blockbuster. It's not like when I moved from California to Illinois I had to determine what the local equivalent was for Sears. Now I have to figure out Food Lion, Harris Teeter, Bi-Lo, and Bloom? WTF? Where is Safeway...um...or Dominick's.....or...ah crap...I give up.

I love it when a business decides to cover two bases at once, even if those bases are totally different. Two examples: A single point of business that is a Car Dealer/Attorney at Law and one that's labelled as "Car Audio and Fashion". In case you're wondering, "Fashion" does mean clothing, it's not some weird term for something car audio related. I also think it's hilarious when two businesses that are right next to each other either REALLY don't go together, or do in a funny way. The dentist next door to the smoker's outlet comes to mind, but my all-time favorite is in Palatine, IL where there is a Bait Shop next door to a Sushi joint. That's priceless, you can't write shit like that.

Sometimes I feel it is my civic duty to let business know when their advertising is just sending mixed signals. Although this is often countered by my desire to see stupid signs, so I usually keep quiet. On my old route from work, there was a little fried fish place. Now, what they were trying to convey was that they made succelent catfish treats. They made these little balls of breaded catfish meat and deep fried them to a golden brown perfection. Delicious wouldn't you say? However the sign in their window was advertising "Deep Fried Cat Balls". I don't want any part of that.

The chance of you hitting the lottery is pretty slim. When you're driving down the road, they try to get you to forget this and play anyway by putting the current jackpot in huge ass letters on a billboard. Yeah, it may be a 1 in 47 million shot, but there's 128 million dollars at stake, why not take a chance? It's only one measly buck you cheap, desperate bastard. Of course, when the sign malfunctions, it can have the opposite effect. On my drive home one day, the sign that was supposed to read "89 Million" read "-9 Million". The last thing I need is to finally hit the lotto when the jackpot is I give them 9 million dollars. Tricky bastards.

Useless Advice: Don't move heavy furniture in flip-flops. I have the blood spot under my toenail to help prove this tip.

Observation: Sometimes, the simplest way to do something is to do nothing. The house we moved into had wood panelling in the living room. We decided that we weren't 79 years old and on a respirator, so we are sheetrocking it instead. Last night, while sanding, my wife said "Isn't there an easier way to cover walls?" My response? "Wood Panelling."

Unlucky Lotto Numbers for today: All of them but 6.

Horoscope: Moon-Jupiter union in Capricorn. Sanctity of marraige is being challenged.

Rant #1 of 1,294,364.7623

OK....I'm really sick of politicians talking about how we need to "work on the electric car". Kiss my ass. Go to hell. We had electric cars 10 YEARS AGO. I remember them. If you don't, watch the movie "Who Killed the Electric Car".

lived in Monterey at the time and one morning, in our parking lot (the apartment complex I lived in also rented out units for weekends, it was fancy) was a huge truck with three electric cars in them. They were travelling around and showing them off. People had these cars, GM leased them (I think it was done under the Saturn brand). People loved them. And the rat bastards got rid of them. Took them all back when the leases ran out, drove them to the desert and crushed them. There were no problems, no recall issues, nada. They were taken away from people who BEGGED to keep them, offering to pay well over the listed value of the car, just to hold on to them. But no. Piss on that. They took them away and crushed them.

So every politician, CEO, reporter, etc that wants to stand on stage and tell us how we can gain our independence from foreign oil by WORKING on DEVELOPING electric cars can lick rotten rat ass. We had them. They worked 10 god damned years ago. Tell me that they wouldn't have been even more efficient by now. Everyone wringing their hands about oil prices and supply shortages needs to rewind their asses back about 10 years and look at where they were then. People knew this day was coming, and instead of being forward thinking, somewhat aware people, we buried our heads in the sand, wrapped ourselves in our Abercrombie catalogs, doused our souls with Venti nonfat Lattes and produced as many gas sucking SUVs as we could convince the world that they would be helpless without.

In short, we had the answer a decade ago. And we crushed it. The next politician that talks about "Developing Electric Cars" needs to be sodomized with one of these:

Useless Advice Mondays: Moving On Up (Technically Down) Edition

At the end of this month, we pack up the covered wagon and go south to North Carolina to settle in to our new homestead. Since it's coming at us with an unrelenting vengence, I thought I'd share some of the things that I've learned:

1. You're not going to pack ahead of time. Stop lying to yourself. I know that a month ago you were thinking, "We'll start packing early, get everything ready to go, moving will be a breeze." Bullshit. You know damn well that you're going to shove 85% of everything that you own into boxes labelled "Misc". It is inevitable. You'll get to the new place and have 632 boxes labelled "misc" and will be absolutely desperate to find the one with the can opener. This is the moment that the gods laugh at you.

2. They have the same shit there. Trust me. It might have a dumb-ass name, but it's there. When you do a Google map search and are dismayed that there is no "Marathon" gas station, don't worry, they'll have "Triathlon" gas stations that are equally willing to cut out your pancreas in exchange for three gallons of gas and a bottle of water.

3. Buying a house is a nutroll. This is intentional. They string the process out and make things ureasonably difficult so that, when closing time comes, you're willing to give them a check for any insane amount of money and your firstborn just to make the whole thing come to an end. This also reminds me that I need to start up a mortgage brokerage. Any occupation where you can charge someone $400 to apply for some shit is sweet.

4. Regardless of how well you plan, your shit will not fit in the truck that you rented. This is just a fact of life. Truck rental companies advertise that the truck will hold at least one more room than it actually will. This is because these companies are headed by ruthless bridge trolls who thrive on misery and self defeat.

5. When you finish the move, don't bitch about how much of a pain in the ass it was. Nobody wants to hear it. The all know it's a pain in the ass. That's why they stopped talking to you about it 2 weeks before. They didn't want your cheap ass to try and sucker them into helping.