Observations: Something Isn't Quite Right

It's funny how just a minor change in circumstances can take a situation from pleasant to just flat- out lipstick-and-fishnets-on-a-sheep wrong. I was reminded of this on my way home from work today. I was driving (for those familiar with Chicago) along the Eisenhower, just around Harlem, when my car was filled with the unmistakeable scent of Orange Kool-Aid. Just to clarify, I purposely capitalized "Orange" there because, when you're talking about Kool-Aid, we're not really talking flavors, we're talking branding. Now there have been plenty of times in my life where the smell of Orange Kool-Aid was welcome. Hell, there have been times that I have been pouring myself a tasty glass of refreshing Orange Kool-Aid and thought to my self:

Self -  we're not EVEN going to bother putting this pitcher away yet, because we're just going to go ahead and knock down about half of this glass of tasty sugar goodness right away. So we're going to want to have this pitcher right on standby, so we can replenish this glass with more of that unholy orange taste delight."

Now that's an example of a good Kool-Aid scent occasion. However, when you're driving your car 50 mph down the expressway, and the smell of Orange Kool-Aid fills your car approximately 36 seconds after the stench of the Hillside Landfill has left it, that's not so good. I just associated Orange Kool-Aid with the nostril-hair singing odor that is the Hillside Landfill (Closing in Spring 2008! Go to our website to track the progress!).

How will this play out the next time I am parched and the only source of thirst salvation is that frosty container of Orange Kool-Aid? I don't think it's going to be good.

Here's another example:
It gets cold in Chicago. Since I have chosen to make my residence in an un-insulated crap stain of an apartment, it gets a touch on the chilly side in here as well. Now we all have those late night bathroom moments. During the winter, I cringe a little as I near the toilet, anticipating the deathly cold surface that my tender ass will soon be sitting upon. Occasionally, there is a rip in  the fabric of the universe and the heat has actually come on. Since the toilet is immediately adjacent to on of the heat pipes (we have radiator heat), it does actually warm up.

This is good. It renews a certain justice in the universe and makes me oh-so-happy.

But sometimes I have to utilize the facilities in public. At an airport, for example. Or at work even. When I take my place on the toilet....and the seat is warm......ewwwww. That's just nasty. The first thought that goes through my head is that the person I despise most in my office has just had is ass all over the same place where my ass now resides. It's like a delayed ass to ass kiss. That's definitely not good. Funny how the same thing in a slightly different situation can be really disturbing.

Observations: Singapore Edition Part Dos

More notes on my Singapore experience.

1. Singapore is like a big Chinatown. Officially, the national language is English however most "native" S'poreans are Chinese. So Chinese is most common. You know how every Chinatown gets more Chinese the closer to the center? Singapore is the opposite. The center is the business district, which is very Western. This is where English is the primary language. The further you get from there, the more Chinese it gets. I saw a sign that read (this is not a joke): "Learn to talk good English."

2. Apparently, the day to day dangers for the average Singaporean are much different than elsewhere. When walking back from the store, I was informed that I should be careful due to "Frequent Peacock Attacks". A sign informed me of this. It said "Danger!: Frequent Peacock Attacks". I never thought that I would see the words "Danger", "Attack" and "Peacock" in the same sentence.

3. They have 7-11s in Singapore. I don't know why this strikes me as odd, but it does. They're everywhere. It's not as scary as the abundance of KFCs there. I bet they eat the hell out of some "flavored pieces".

4. When you arrive in Singapore, your little immigration card notifies you that drug possession is punishable by death. Death? Damn. I actually stopped to make sure that I wasn't carrying. I wasn't, and I knew that, but when threatened with death, I just needed to make sure.

5. For some reason, I read a lot of signs in other countries.

6. In the movie "Predator", there is a famous line that goes something like "If it bleeds, we can kill it." In Singapore, this has been translated to "If it bleeds, we can eat it." A friend took me to a street market where you could get such delicacies as sea horse, jellyfish, lizard, insects, and various other things that I'll not describe here. It made me long for the Egg McBurger.

7. While most people would say I was lucky to leave Chicago and go someplace warm, there is a limit. When you arrive at 2 am and its 86 degrees and 93% humidity........that's just not good.

8. Singapore is a very major shipping hub. I went to a beach on the resort island of Sentosa. There were people there, more on the way, everyone was having a good time....but when you looked out into the water, there were dozens of huge cargo ships and oil tankers. It seemed really weird. I've never been to a beach-beach with that many tankers there. One of the beaches was closed because "There has been some oil in the water"...really? Ya think? Maybe has something to do with the 48 tankers about 200 meters away?

Usless Advice Mondays: Be Careful What You Order

Sometimes, when travelling abroad, I start to miss regular-old American food. Usually, this happens at about 1:20am, so my dining options are limited. I always reach out for the hotel's room service menu, as most places seem to have some sort of American fare on their late night listings. One common choice is the Hamburger. Hamburgers are simple, and it doesn't require much to make one that's at least edible, so this is usually a fairly safe choice. However there are some places where this can backfire, as I recently experienced.

As usual, my late night craving hit. And, as usual, the menu did indeed include a Hamburger option. Fries too. Perfect. I grabbed the phone, ordered the delicious taste treat and prepared myself for the enjoyment that would commence with the arrival of my menu selection in 15-20 minutes. Upon arrival, and gracious tipping, I sat down to enjoy this delicacy of the western world when I noticed something slightly disturbing: My hamburger had an egg on it. A fried egg, it appeared after further inspection. In my confusion, I rechecked the menu. There was not an Egg McMuffin option. Yet here, in front of my eyes, stood something that more closely resembeled just that than a juicy ham-burger.

But I'm an open-minded individual. I'm up for a little experimentation here and there. So I figured, what the hell......I'll try it. The logic here being that, since it was just a fried egg, and if I didn't enjoy this spin on the classic burger, I could just remove it. This was clearly the plan of the devious entity that had set the soon-to-be-sprung trap before me. I reached out and picked up the seemingly innocent treat and was immediately horrified that the egg was actually NOT fried, but over-easy. This resulted in a yolk explosion the minute I picked up the burger. I immediately thought of how a bank robber feels when that little dye bomb goes off in his bag of loot, ruining it completly. What I now had in my hands was a yolk-soaked meat sandwich, not a Ham Burger. But I wanted a Ham Burger. The bastards got me.

This reminded me of the time I was in Australia. This time, I thought I would be more safe, since I was actually at a small dining establishment during the day, where ordering a Hamburger would be safe. Since they were making it right there, I'd have a little more control over the assembly process. I walked up to the counter, and ordered a hamburger. The person taking my order asked me "Do you want everything on that?" Now, coming from the US, "everything" can have a fairly broad interpretation, but most of this list would be reasonable. When I said "Yes", the chap must have figured out that I was NOT Australian and decided that he better clarify this somewhat. The next question he asked me has been burned into memory and will haunt me to my death. He asked "You want a beet too?"

Wait
WTF?
Did that guy just ask me if I wanted a god-damned BEET on my burger?
Who the fuck puts a BEET on a hamburger?
A BEET!

I answered the only possible way I could...."Umm.....no?" Now some people might think that this went well....I mean this little conversation resulted in the absence of a god-damned shit-eating BEET on my hamburger, but no....you'd be wrong. There was no BEET on my burger, but the thought of such a horrible thing had been lodged into my brain so that, now, my burger (sans- BEET) seemed wretched and vile. Like it was just sitting there, laughing, saying "You know I could have had a beet on me. Nothing like a beet burger. MMMMMMM BEET-Y." As horrible as a talking burger might be, a talking burger that had BEET potential is much worse.

I ate him anyway.....mostly just to shut it up.

Observations: Singapore Edition

As a part of my duties as an evil-doer, I sometimes am required to travel to distant locations and far reaches of the earth. This week, I find myself in Singapore. While here, I've witnessed some things that are indeed post-worthy. These events have passed from me to you via the web in a neverednding miracle of magic called the world-wide web: which allows for a jacksass like me, to post details of a journey like this.

Observation 1: Lost in translation

And I quote "Equipment to cleansing the buttocks with warm water". I could try to come up with some witty comment about this, but, ultimately, would it be any funnier than that? This sign was in an airport bathroom in Tokyo......I don't know about an imropteu buttock washing in a Tokyo airport.

Observation #2: Familiarity is Key

Despite previous observations, I am now creeped out by elevators NOT made by Otis. Why the hell are these people using non-otis elvators? Cheap bastards! Don't they know that the Otis elevator company is the largest supplier of elevator technolgy to the free world? I find myslef standing in the evelvator, noticing its non -Otisness and thinking that this will be the last moment of my life, staring at the name of the elevator company that banned me to the third ring of Hades which is reserved for mimes, car salesmen and salvation army santa bell ringers.

Observation #3: Asian dudes make me cool

While I will admitg to having seen Def Leppard in concert, to having a secret place in my heart for "Pour some Sugar on me", I can say that I do not have an entire collecion of Def Leppard ringtones loaded on my phone.