Useless Advice Mondays: Buy Useless Crap!

Skymall is the single greatest product catalog ever. The crap that you find in that thing is absolutely priceless. Next time you fly, check and see if there's a Skymall available for your reading pleasure. If there is, don't pass on this chance to see what kind of senseless shit the retail market thinks you're brain-damaged enough to buy. Here are some of my favorites:

The Stealth Secret Amplifier - Sounds like a bad-ass piece of high-tech machinery doesn't it? Yeah...too bad it's a shitty hearing aid designed to look like a bluetooth headset. The tagline reads "Improve your hearing and enhance your image!" That's right, go from being that guy who's a little hard of hearing to that insufferable prick that always has his god-damned bluetooth headset on. Now, instead of you not being able to hear anyone, nobody will know if you're talking to them! Sweet! Of course what happens when your real cell phone rings and your dumb ass has to take the damn fake bluetooth headset off to talk on your big ass Jitterbug cell phone. Good job shit-for-pants.

The Fold A Weigh Scale - Get it? It's a scale...so it WEIGHS things....but it's portable and folds up for easy transports.....so it folds-a-way......wow. For those people who need to take their Bulemia to new levels, this helpful device let's you know when you shouldn't have eaten that carrot (you fat indulgent bitch) so that you can purge accordingly because, god forbid, you have to spend a day without knowing your exact body weight. Now you can even stand on the sumbitch 27 times a day if you want. One for each devilishly delicious Tic Tac you've eaten.

The Electrolysis Hair Removal Kit - I don't know...there are somethings I don't think you should do yourself at home. Pretty much, anything that involves you sending electrical current through your body makes that list.

The Dummy Surveilance Camera - Perfect for those who want a false sense of security.

Shortest Post to Date (Title longer than actual post about two things that I recently noticed that should never have been noticed).

Two things that prove we have taken our food preparation technology too far:

Clam Juice

Anchovy Extract

Useless Advice Mondays: On a long enough timeline, everything is a velvet track suit.

So you just bought the brand new ThingamajigXLPro? So you're the first one on the block with it? Don't get too cocky, in a few years, it really won't be a big deal. On a long enough timeline, everything is a velvet track suit. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I was in another nameless airport on another nameless trip where I was delayed 4 times and treated like an insolent pig by airport staff. While waiting for a plane to show up from another airport where people had been delayed for times and treated like insolent pigs, I saw a woman walk by dressed in a velvet track suit. Now I'm all about being comfy on a plane, but this stuck out for some reason. After thinking about it for a while (since I'm a petty bastard that obsesses on things like this), I finally figured out why this was stuck in the rotted cantaloupe that I have for a brain: the velvet.

Once upon a time, velvet was considered a sign of wealth, influence, and general I'm-way-more-important-than-you-itude. It was fit for kings and dignitaries. The King wore velvet robes (and by "The King" I mean like the king of England, not Elvis. Although I'm sure Elvis had his share of velvet as well). Move the timeline forward, and now velvet is the material of choice for ill-fitting track suits. This can be seen in several areas.

Indoor plumbing: Once reserved for the elite, now commonplace and used by college students everywhere for post-party stomach purging. There's indoor plumbing in RVs. Many people won't even consider relieving themselves outdoors.....well....not sober anyway (and clearly not the people that occasionally stop to pee in the alley behind my apartment).

Copper: Copper used to be a very valuable metal. It was used for money, trade, jewelry, etc. Now, we use copper to wire lava lamps. People won't bother to bend over and pick up a penny. Copper? Pfft.

DVD Players: Remember when DVD players first emerged? The were more than $1000 and everybody said that there was no way they would take hold because they just cost too much. Now you can spend $40 and get a DVD player in the shape of Sponge-Bob.

Cell Phones: OH MY GOD. To be back in the days where only people that had massive coke habits, Cigarette Speed Boats, skinny ties and didn't wear socks with their shoes could afford these. Now there are 10 year-olds texting until their thumbs are bloody stumps. I've got to try and figure out if the damn clerk at 7-11 is talking to me or to the person on the other end of the flashing blue dildo sticking out of his ear.

So yeah, puff out that chest. Call the neighbors over to take a look at your new iCouchXLT 2600 Pro. Show them all the features, "reluctantly" let them know that you sold your left testicle for it. Just remember, on a long enough timeline, everything is a velvet track suit.

Movie Review Review.....it's like Zsa Zsa......but more annoying.

I hate movie reviews. Let me rephrase that. I hate movie reviews written by people who really want you to be in awe of their deep intellect and vastly superior understanding of cinematic art history. Want to know why? Because they always suck. Every single last one of them. And the people that write them can eat my ass. That's right. Eat my ass. I know that's a bit rough, but it's fitting for the sub-sect of swine that writes reviews like this.

Let's just say that if you're reviewing a movie starring Adam Sandler playing a former Isreali Commando that wants to become a hair-dresser, you should not, at any point whatsoever, use words like: déclassé, triumvirate, oeuvre, nascent, or décolletage. Phrases such as: "exploring the darker social implications of his work", "married with the baby steps toward thematic resonance and social relevance ", or "cutting comedic satire about the Arab-Israeli conflict and stereotypes" should not be used. Never. Don't do it. Shove a god-damned BBQ fork into your left eye if you even consider it you self-promoting ass clown.

I get it. You took the GRE. You sat up at night going over these words in your head. Over and over and over. OK. That's cool. But you're writing a review of an Adam Sandler movie in which he plays a commando/hair dresser. This is not a review of the lastest (insert foriegn director name here) film set in 16th century England. This movie does not have a chance in hell of winning an Academy Award for customes (you know damn well that this award has never been given to a movie that didn't take place in Xth Century England). The movie features a fight scene that involves Sandler's character kicking someone in the face a la "Goldmember". Give me a break. All I need to know is 1) Am I going to be pissed that I went? and 2) After I allow myself to degrade to 13-year-old humor appreciation, will I think it's hilarious?

Usless Advice Mondays: Movies Provide Advice Too

Sometimes, you get a little piece of advice from a movie that really holds true. Most of the time movies offer candy-wrapped gimmick lessons that a ADD crazed 8 year old hopped up on Ridalyn and pop rocks could catch, but sometimes, there are clever little gems, tucked away in the dialogue, that prove to be most profound. Sometimes, these are simply statements that, when applied to daily life, can serve as sound advice. One example (but not the topic of this post) is "Nobody can eat 50 eggs."

This is simply a statement in the movie "Cool Hand Luke", but if we apply it to real life, it holds as solid advice:

EGG-EATER

Man I'm hungry. I could eat like, 50 eggs.

WISE NINJA-MASTER

Nobody can eat 50 eggs. While you think you can, and you may actully consume those 50 eggs, I assure you that it will result in massive digestive failure and you'll spend the next 48 hours passing the apocalypse through your bowels. So eat 50 eggs if you like, but it will not be to your benefit. In the end, the eggs will consume YOU.

See? That's pretty fucking deep.

In the Charlotte, NC area, there is a church called the Kinetic Church. If you like, you can read up on them here. Apparently, this church had a trailer that they used for mobile ministry services, child wellness, etc. Somebody stole the trailer earlier in the year. Being a different kind of church, they decided to try and get the word out in a unique way. They were able to get the use of 5 billboards donated to them and the posted some messages to try to get the thief and/or someone who knows about said theivery to come forward. Now, a typical church taking this approach might put something like "If you have any information, please blah blah blah whatever we're still going to be nice about this." Not the Kinetic Church, no sir. They instead have apparently heeded the advice that is the basis for this post. It's from a movie that has served as an inspirational tale for millions: The Big Lebowski. To quote:

QUINTANA

You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

So they busted out with the following 5 billboards, each of which I personally beheld during my recent trip to Charlotte:

#1:
CHURCH TRAILER STOLEN
Stealing From God.....Ballsy.

#2:
CHURCH TRAILER STOLEN
Seriously? Are You Kidding me?

#3:
CHURCH TRAILER THIEVES
Enjoying Our Communion Trays?

#4:
CHURCH TRAILER THIEVES
Ever Worry About Lighning Strikes?

#5:
CHURCH TRAILER THIEVES
God Forgives You - But We Need Our Stuff Back!

Doubting me? Try this:

Now, I have to give it to them.....that's badass. If nothing else, I'm sure the CHURCH TRAILER THIEF feels like a damn chump right now. And there is absolutely no worse feeling than Chumpification.