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As a part of my everyday joy-in-being, I get to go to work. Part of the festivities that I take part in require that I set up imaginary work schedules. These, for the sake of really-reality, must include some holidays and, since I work for a global company (and, of course, since I haven't used enough commas in this sentence, yet), I try to include some major international holidays as well as a few strange ones. Here are a few that really caught my eye today as I attempted to bring some entertainment into what would be the less-preferred option between it and, say, a molten-lava enema:

Today, as you probably guessed is Backwards Day. The idea, amazingly, is to do things backwards. While this might sound like a knee-slapping time, just imagine what would happen if you were to apply this to every aspect of your life. I feel I only need apply one example to make this point: go to the bathroom. Ewww.

February 20th is my birthday. Lucky for my cat, it's also Love Your Pet Day. Unluckily for my cat, I'm also self-centered and greedy: she's getting crap. However she might still get some enjoyment out of the day, since it's also Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Ho Day, where, at noon (local time zone please, we don't want things to be tricky), you're asked to go outside and yell "Hoodie-Ho!" to chase out winter and get ready for spring. I really don't even need to make a joke about this one.

That reminds me, Groundhog Day has to be the lamest holiday. This makes no sense at all. If the groundhog (and that little bad boy is getting pretty damn plump) doesn't see its shadow, winter's almost over. If it does it, it scares the piss out of him and he gets so angry that he makes winter continue until October 24th, 2028 (I may be off on that). What kind of lame-ass rule is that? After all this time, the groundhog is still scared of his damn shadow? To support this claim of lame-i-tude, the National Weather service has calculated that relying on a marmot to predict the arrival of spring has about a 39% accuracy rate (historically).

April 4th is tell a lie day. Which makes me wonder if they announced this holiday on April 4th, thereby creating a celebratory paradox.

June 29th is Waffle Iron day. Waffles are the crispy cousin to flapjacks, and therefore celebrated as often as possible, making this day somewhat unnecessary.

The absolute greatest holiday has to be Decmber 5th, Day of the Ninja. To quote Wikipedia: "On this day, people are encouraged to dress as ninja, engage in ninja-related activities, and spread information on ninja online." How cool is that? Top 5 reasons why Day of the Ninja is the best holiday:


5. In 2004, a bunch of french performers ran around the city taking pictures of each other doing ninja-like activities in famous places.

4. It was originally created by ninjaburger.com, which has to have some of the best copy on a ninja-related site.

3. If you are really good at celebrating, nobody will know you did.

2. You basically get to wear footy pajamas, and we all know that's what every adult misses most about childhood.

1. You guessed it, Ninja Throwing Stars!!!

The Devil is in the Details

KFC is advertising their new sauceless hot wings. They're the newest tasty treat from the Colonel who, like Tupac, keeps coming up with new and & improved stuff post-mortem. They're spicy, they're tasty, they don't leave you all messy, and if you read the fine print, they're also "flavored pieces".

Wait.....what? What the hell are "flavored pieces"?

It scares me when food items have fine print. I expect fine print on prescription drugs, car loans and Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons (those bastards always throw in that "No Dyson" clause) but not on chicken. This is all acceptable, but "flavored pieces"? What's really scary about that is the glaring omission of the concluding part of that sentence, which should be "of chicken." But no, that's not what they're saying. The entire statement, as verified on the KFC website itself is "Wings are flavored pieces." Pieces of what? Aardvark? Pygmy Goat? Talk to me Colonel! I summon thee from the grave!!! Grab your slappy necktie, your Buddy Holly glasses and kick Tupac in the ass and tell me what the hell you're trying to sell me disguised as crunchy chicken goodness!!

In a related story, I find it creepy how similar the logos for GSK and Pork are. Comparison:

That's just creepy.

Never go Bungie Jumping with Jesus

You know how sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you know things are going to go badly, not because of anything that you're going to do, but because of who you're with? Here's an example: Let's say you've decided to go out with a group of friends and eveything is going fine until the group decides to stop and watch a street performer who's swallowing fire. Most of your friends are mildly interested and this is just a simple distraction for a couple of minutes. Except there's one problem: your friend Bob is there. You are privvy to the fact that Bob is a closet pyro.....your other friends are not.........do you see where this is going? Can you imagine how this would feel?

It's like being stuck watching endless episodes of that MTV reality show where they feature someone with some kind of addiciton and just follow them around for a while while they screw their life up more. It's painful to watch...."Oh look, the crack addict's mom just asked him to go grab something out of her wallet.......oh look...there's a bunch of twenties in it.......oh look, he's pasty and passed out in a truck stop bathroom......again."

So, based on my observations, I have one piece of advice (actually, I think I'm going to do this every time I write on a Monday........."Useless Advice Mondays", I like it): Never go Bungie Jumping with Jesus......or after a really big guy. See if the rope is going to break, it's not going to break when Jesus is jumping....that just wouldn't be cool. I mean it's Jesus.....for Christ's sake. So now, you just increased the chance that it's going to break on you......nice work Jesus. Additionally, if you go Bungie Jumping with a really big guy, make sure you go first, before he has a chance to stress that rope (so never go bungie jumping after me). Actually, I can also say (this is more of a guideline than a steadfast rule, like the previous two) never go Bungie Jumping at Circus-Circus in Las Vegas. I have watched someone do this, and they did live, however the whole experience did not instill confidence. Reasons:

1. It's Circus Circus......I mean really.....does the place scream out Safe Conditions and Well Trained Staff?
2. Below the rope is a small swimming pool.......I think it's supposed to make it seem safer, but I just kept replaying episodes of Looney Tunes where someone falls into an empty pool and compresses themselves into an accordian.
3. When they hooked the guy up, they asked him if he wanted to touch the water or not. He said "Not really". They confirmed his selection. He jumped and went waist deep. The guys running the thing said "Huh....didn't really expect that". The last thing I want, when Bungie Jumping, is for the Unexpected to show up.

Observation #1

It's funny how using an alternate definition of one word in a song can change the entire tone of the song. All of a sudden, you start to wonder....was that what they were really saying????

I'll give you an example: Mandy - by Barry Manilow. Let's take a look at the chorus.

Well you came and you gave without taking

but I sent you away, oh Mandy

well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

I need you today, oh Mandy

Now.....let's use a different definition of the word "came". I'm not going to tell you which definition to use, but I'm sure that you're using the right one. With the new definition fresh in your mind, let's look at that again:

Well you came and you gave without taking

but I sent you away, oh Mandy

well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

I need you today, oh Mandy

Barry you filthy bastard!

Impaled Rodeo Cowboy Weekly coming soon?

The legendary soon-to-be-Mrs. Happyflapjacks and I were at a grocery store last night when she pointed out the following periodical:

Really? I mean I looked through the whole thing and couldn't find an Onion logo anywhere. Things that just make this silly:

1. Look at that PICTURE!!!! Dad: "Oh Johnny, life is sooooo good now that I only have to deal with your spoiled ass once every other weekend!" Johnny: "Thanks for taking me to the Cheesy Fake Backdrop Emporium Daddy! One day, when I've grown to resent you for destroying my childhood because you couldn't keep your hands off the babysitter, I'll look back on this day and cry...with my therapist!"


2. There's actually a story called "Downsizing with Style". On the cover of a magazine titled "Divorce". Now the article is actually about deciding what to keep and what to throw out when you move into your new home. But it sounds like the article is going to be about how to stylishly downsize your family (aka: Divorce).


3. SHE pointed out that the "O" in divorce is a broken ring....how cool is that.


4. This magazine claims to have been around since 1996. Really?

Sorry, this is just the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Some great uses for this magazine:

1. Leave on co-worker's desk who is currently involved in a less-than-secret affair with another co-worker. Make sure it is in a prominent place where the office paprazzi will be able to see it. NOTE: This works best if the target co-worker is out of the office.


2. If you are recently married, leave copy in bathroom when parents/in-laws come over to visit. Wait for explosion


3. Roll up as tight as possible and whack the first person you see.


4. Ninja throwing stars.

And so it begins . . . .

Everything must start somewhere. Dependent on the situation, this can vary from the tangible to the very abstract. Take ED drugs: that all started with some old rich chemist who got pissed off one to many nights because his little soldier wouldn't come to attention when he pestered his considerably younger trophy wife into letting him get a little action. Throw in some spare time and a likely enourmous grant from some other old rich guys with the same condition and *BLAM*, you have to listen to how your Erectile Dysfunction can be solved inbetween CNN's coverage of the current escapades of (insert name of celebrity that nobody can exlain their fame). That's tangible. (Old Chemist + Money + Trophy Wife)/Uncooperative Weenie = Viagra.

Nicole Ritche's dad is famous. Now we get to see her on the news all of the time. She's famous because......um.......well..... That's intangible.

I started this blog to help the people that deal with me on a daily basis sleep a little better. Since I have this forum to nitpick about crap, maybe they won't need to hear as much. You, on the other hand, are subjecting yourself to this willingly. I can't apologize for that. Basically, what you'll find here are my takes on everything from current events (If you get mauled by a tiger, and you didn't encounter it in the wild, somebody did something really stupid, and it was probably you), to how I feel about a given movie or musician (If you were stunned that the movie "Stealth" sucked, you probably spend a considerable amount of time stunned).

In case you were suprised the "Stealth" sucked, I'll let you in on another secret: I'm not going to be nice. If I think something is stupid, you'll know. Why do I feel like I should be allowed to spout my opinions online? Two reasons: 1) I set this damn blog up and 2) I know how to type. To quote Kathleen Madigan (mocking Dr. Laura) "You know what? I'm so god damned right about everything, I'm going to have to start taking calls."