Movie Review Review.....it's like Zsa Zsa......but more annoying.

I hate movie reviews. Let me rephrase that. I hate movie reviews written by people who really want you to be in awe of their deep intellect and vastly superior understanding of cinematic art history. Want to know why? Because they always suck. Every single last one of them. And the people that write them can eat my ass. That's right. Eat my ass. I know that's a bit rough, but it's fitting for the sub-sect of swine that writes reviews like this.

Let's just say that if you're reviewing a movie starring Adam Sandler playing a former Isreali Commando that wants to become a hair-dresser, you should not, at any point whatsoever, use words like: déclassé, triumvirate, oeuvre, nascent, or décolletage. Phrases such as: "exploring the darker social implications of his work", "married with the baby steps toward thematic resonance and social relevance ", or "cutting comedic satire about the Arab-Israeli conflict and stereotypes" should not be used. Never. Don't do it. Shove a god-damned BBQ fork into your left eye if you even consider it you self-promoting ass clown.

I get it. You took the GRE. You sat up at night going over these words in your head. Over and over and over. OK. That's cool. But you're writing a review of an Adam Sandler movie in which he plays a commando/hair dresser. This is not a review of the lastest (insert foriegn director name here) film set in 16th century England. This movie does not have a chance in hell of winning an Academy Award for customes (you know damn well that this award has never been given to a movie that didn't take place in Xth Century England). The movie features a fight scene that involves Sandler's character kicking someone in the face a la "Goldmember". Give me a break. All I need to know is 1) Am I going to be pissed that I went? and 2) After I allow myself to degrade to 13-year-old humor appreciation, will I think it's hilarious?