So you just bought the brand new ThingamajigXLPro? So you're the first one on the block with it? Don't get too cocky, in a few years, it really won't be a big deal. On a long enough timeline, everything is a velvet track suit. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I was in another nameless airport on another nameless trip where I was delayed 4 times and treated like an insolent pig by airport staff. While waiting for a plane to show up from another airport where people had been delayed for times and treated like insolent pigs, I saw a woman walk by dressed in a velvet track suit. Now I'm all about being comfy on a plane, but this stuck out for some reason. After thinking about it for a while (since I'm a petty bastard that obsesses on things like this), I finally figured out why this was stuck in the rotted cantaloupe that I have for a brain: the velvet.
Once upon a time, velvet was considered a sign of wealth, influence, and general I'm-way-more-important-than-you-itude. It was fit for kings and dignitaries. The King wore velvet robes (and by "The King" I mean like the king of England, not Elvis. Although I'm sure Elvis had his share of velvet as well). Move the timeline forward, and now velvet is the material of choice for ill-fitting track suits. This can be seen in several areas.
Indoor plumbing: Once reserved for the elite, now commonplace and used by college students everywhere for post-party stomach purging. There's indoor plumbing in RVs. Many people won't even consider relieving themselves outdoors.....well....not sober anyway (and clearly not the people that occasionally stop to pee in the alley behind my apartment).
Copper: Copper used to be a very valuable metal. It was used for money, trade, jewelry, etc. Now, we use copper to wire lava lamps. People won't bother to bend over and pick up a penny. Copper? Pfft.
DVD Players: Remember when DVD players first emerged? The were more than $1000 and everybody said that there was no way they would take hold because they just cost too much. Now you can spend $40 and get a DVD player in the shape of Sponge-Bob.
Cell Phones: OH MY GOD. To be back in the days where only people that had massive coke habits, Cigarette Speed Boats, skinny ties and didn't wear socks with their shoes could afford these. Now there are 10 year-olds texting until their thumbs are bloody stumps. I've got to try and figure out if the damn clerk at 7-11 is talking to me or to the person on the other end of the flashing blue dildo sticking out of his ear.
So yeah, puff out that chest. Call the neighbors over to take a look at your new iCouchXLT 2600 Pro. Show them all the features, "reluctantly" let them know that you sold your left testicle for it. Just remember, on a long enough timeline, everything is a velvet track suit.
3 comments:
For the idiot who stands in the aisle at Wal-mart screaming into his cell phone as if to proudly say, "hey world, he-he, look at me...I gots me a cell-a-phone", this post was for you.
Once the prices drop after a year or two nothing is special, nothing is cool...when every average schlub has one it makes you look at yours and say, "why do I need this?"
Everyone should get an HDTV and bluray player. That is all...
I think I was at that same nameless airport on that same nameless trip.
I knew the cell phone wasn't special when I spotted a homeless guy talking on one.
I think I have the iCouchXLT 2600. Excellent post.
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