At the end of this month, we pack up the covered wagon and go south to North Carolina to settle in to our new homestead. Since it's coming at us with an unrelenting vengence, I thought I'd share some of the things that I've learned:
1. You're not going to pack ahead of time. Stop lying to yourself. I know that a month ago you were thinking, "We'll start packing early, get everything ready to go, moving will be a breeze." Bullshit. You know damn well that you're going to shove 85% of everything that you own into boxes labelled "Misc". It is inevitable. You'll get to the new place and have 632 boxes labelled "misc" and will be absolutely desperate to find the one with the can opener. This is the moment that the gods laugh at you.
2. They have the same shit there. Trust me. It might have a dumb-ass name, but it's there. When you do a Google map search and are dismayed that there is no "Marathon" gas station, don't worry, they'll have "Triathlon" gas stations that are equally willing to cut out your pancreas in exchange for three gallons of gas and a bottle of water.
3. Buying a house is a nutroll. This is intentional. They string the process out and make things ureasonably difficult so that, when closing time comes, you're willing to give them a check for any insane amount of money and your firstborn just to make the whole thing come to an end. This also reminds me that I need to start up a mortgage brokerage. Any occupation where you can charge someone $400 to apply for some shit is sweet.
4. Regardless of how well you plan, your shit will not fit in the truck that you rented. This is just a fact of life. Truck rental companies advertise that the truck will hold at least one more room than it actually will. This is because these companies are headed by ruthless bridge trolls who thrive on misery and self defeat.
5. When you finish the move, don't bitch about how much of a pain in the ass it was. Nobody wants to hear it. The all know it's a pain in the ass. That's why they stopped talking to you about it 2 weeks before. They didn't want your cheap ass to try and sucker them into helping.
4 comments:
Good luck on the move.
In order to get everything on the truck practice Tetris a lot, it works.
As soon as I hear the word move from someone, I begin distancing myself from them. I start talking about elaborate weekend plans that I have for the next three months.
Hmm....I didn't know you were moving? Why??
Hey, why don't you pack early. That'll make the move easier.
Manuel: Wife is going to UNC-Charlotte for grad school.
Alien: Because, as I probably stated before, I'm lazy and disorganized.
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