Since I'm new to blogging, I'm not sure how often this happens but I was all set to write today; had a topic picked out and everything. Then something happened that may have permantly scarred my soul. . . .
Last night, I was watching the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Everything was going relatively well, he had some animals on and I always enjoy that. I have a thing for large baggy lizards, and the Crocodile Monitor did not fail to get me all giddy. I was even able, on some strange level, to get past the part of the show where Larry the Cable Guy came out in a speedo......now that's scary. But what followed........what followed was just flat evil.
Jay's closing act was a performance by Mika. For your own reference, and to help illustrate the points I will be making, a recording of that performance can be found here. I'll give you some time to watch that, and to let it really sink in.
UPDATE 2-15-08: Mika the Devourer of Cute Furry Chipmunks and Dreams demanded that YouTube remove the video (YouTube is fronting some lame NBC copyright story) of said performance. However it can still be found (if you dare) on NBC's web site. Choose the episode for the 13th and go to chapter 6.
OK. So. First of all, I want to let the 80's know that they are now off the hook for having contributed any bad music, fashion, synth pop to the world at large. You are forgiven, your evils have been overshadowed by the dominating beast of hell that is Mika. I have identified the origin of this beast and, to help you prepare your defenses against his ungodly terror, I shall share this with you now.
You know how in the movie The Fly (80s version please) Seth Brundle (Goldblum) gets all pissy and tries out his flashy new teleporter thingamajiggy on himself while there is a fly in there with him. Said machine gets all confuzzled (there weren't supposed to be two life forms in there after all) and combines the two together, leaving us (ultimately) with Brundlefly. So that was just a movie, right?
Apparently not. It appears that these teleportation doohickies exist and what happened was the remaining members of ABBA, Fez from That 70's Show, a My Little Pony playset, Barney, any one of the characters from Welcome Back Kotter, Apep (Egyptian Diefication of Darkness and Chaos), and Yanni all wallked into it at the same time, supposedly mistaking it for the heart of a child TV star. The device kicked off and combined these creatures into one being that, at a sub-atomic level, was created to shatter the dreams of angels, salt the land and subject modern society with a musical product that even the 80's would have rejected. This mega-being was dubbed "Mika", which is a clever disguise of the acronym M.I.K.A, which stands for Malevolant Incarnation of the Koming Apocalypse (they spelled "coming" with a "k", those evil bastards). Mika walks among us, protect your children.....and your glitter glue.
I can't begin to describe the number of things that are wrong about this performance or the vile beast of Hades that created it, but I can tell you one thing: I forgive Boy George, Wham, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, A Flock of Seagulls, Ah-Ha, et al for everything they ever did in the 80's. They were only trying to entertain us in a way that was acceptable at the time. The Beast Mika has come only to eat your mortal soul, and to steal your Pop! magazine phtoto collage of Ralph Macchio.
The most frightening aspect of this is that Mika the Destroyer can reach so far into the teenage soul, that some poor babe actually broke out the VIDEO CAMERA and taped the transmission emitting from their television set like they were pirating the latest Harry Potter movie!
2 comments:
The Fez guy is the "Screech" of our era.
That was awful. I could feel my soul getting sucked out of me during the 10 seconds of video that I actually watched. I was strong, though. Even though it looked like a train wreck, I was able to close the window before I incurred anymore damage.
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