Screw It.....Just Throw Money at the Problem

So we're getting close to that time of the year again. The time when we are encouraged (at EVERY opportunity) to show our special someones how much we care by giving them a gift of love........or by just throwing as much money at them as we possibly can. This may come as a suprise, but I really despise the Marketing Event of Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, the idea of the actual really-real holiday is nice. But what we have come to participate in is not "observed in honor of St. Valentine and as a time for sending valentines" (Mirriam Webster). What we have now is the time of the year that we use every single cent of advertising revenue to tell men:

"Look, you're a bumbling ass. Give up the idea of being romantic and just go buy the largest rock you can afford/finance/sell you mortal soul for. That card? Forget it. You're going to pick out the cheesiest cornball one anyway and just scratch you're name on the bottom. Add that $4.25 to the rock and be done with it."

For ladies, the message is strikingly similar:

"Look, he's a bumbling ass. Give up the idea of being romantic and just go buy the largest, loudest power tool/electronic gadget/franchise licensed sports thing that you can afford/finance/sell your mortal soul for. That card? Forget it. He's too stupid to get it and won't really read it anyway. Just use the $4.25 to get him a Happy Meal from McDonald's."

There are articles written, news segments about, and the social expectation of the acceptable gifts and what is considered cliché. What this holiday has really become is Christmas Expisode 2: Enter the Guilt Trip. There's the social pressure to conform to the holiday standards and just spend spend spend or been seen as a fool/chump/cheap bastard/bowtie wearer. Even when you truly do not want to participate, you have to deal with the slew of "What did YOU do for Valentine's Day?" Usually this question is asked as an excuse for someone else to tell you what THEY did or got. It's all crap.

Here's the deal: do whatever the hell makes the two of you happy. That's it. Tell the marketing department at Zales to go to hell. If you want to just make it a nice dinner out, rock on. If you want to sit on the couch and crunch on Cheetos together, bring extra napkins. Do what will make you guys happy. Piss on the advertised norms. One year, the LSMHFJ (Legenday Soon-to-be Mrs. Happy Flapjacks) and I got each other houseplants. It was great and we both still have something that we can look at that reminds us of that day (and, although there have been close calls, they are still both alive....mine even reproduced...that dirty little bastard!). Another year, we went all out and got dressed up to go out to a nice dinner at a place that was showing Cassablanca on all of the walls and had a 6 course Morroccan dinner. That was great. The point is we did what we wanted to. We spent time together. Isn't that what really matters?

I also find it funny that the day also shares space/time with the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Nothing says I love you like blood and bullets. You go Big Al.

So, if you are preparing to go out shopping for Valentine's Day, because you really want to give that special someone a gift (not because Hallmark told you that you had to or they would electrocute your puppy), and you're just completely stuck as to what would really say "I love you more than anything in this world", I have two suggestions. One comes from a movie (although it wasn't a Valentine's Day gift in the movie, it still applies) and the other is just my own take on it. One for each gender. This should cover all bases (as long as you don't actually buy these, well....maybe they one for him would be OK):

• For Her: A set of very nice, very sharp kitchen knives. When she looks confused, simply quote the mystery movie by saying "I've never liked a girl enough to give her sharp knives."(Special bonus points to those who can name the movie without cheating).


• For Him: Come on, this is easy......Ninja Throwing Stars!!!!!!

Side note: "Electrocute your puppy" could easily be taken as "Electro-Cute your puppy!!!". As in put some really bright scary outfit on it, smotehing with shoes, sunglasses and rhinestones, and show it off to everyone. I'm not sure which would be more cruel........