Useless Adivce Mondays - The Bowtie

Never trust someone wearing a bowtie; they've got something to hide. Why, you may ask? Here's the deal: Next time you see someone walking down the street wearing a bowtie, stop and ask yourself the following question "What was the first thing I noticed about this person?". Most likely, the answer will be that they were wearing a bowtie. That's the problem. It's intentional, part of their plan, all a big conspiracy, see?

To better express this concept, let's first go inside the mind of Homo sapiens bowtius.

HSB: "It's a lovely morning for (choose one of the following: deceit, trickery, tom-foolery, global domination, used-vehicle sales). But blast my evil aura! People will clearly be able to tell that I am an Agent of Doom & Destuction, a Destroyer of Dreams, A Proponent of Fine Print. How can I possibly shield their eyes to my overwhelming treachery?

HSB scans evil lair. . . .

HSB: "Egad that's it! I will distract their soul with the hypnotic powers of my bowtie! Perhaps the polka-dotted one with ancient Rune powers of enchantment."

Bowtie is applied, evil ensues.

Here's another example of how powerful the bowtie can be:

So what we have here is old Tucker Carlson. Look at him, all innocent and cheery. He's got some news for you, and it's going to be the gospel truth. But I know better: evil lurks.

Now we have bowtie-less Tucker.....I'm not trusting this guy as far as I can throw him. He looks like a smug bastard. I'm sure he has evil plans running through his mind as the photographer is taking this picture. Plans of stealing lunch money, returning VHS tape that have not been rewound, tipping a measly 6%, stealing the dreams of children and replaceing them with images of dying kittens.....something.

AH-HA! Busted! He's using his evil powers to seduce this innocent girl! And he's married! He has children! Be gone ye spawn of Satan!

And thus, I conclude, given the evidence put forth that you can never trust someone wearing a bowtie. They are surely bent on global domination (or trying to sell you a '72 Pinto).