Super-Duper Really Big Deal Tuesday Part II: Attack of the Squirrels

Since it is Super Tuesday, and since there is apparently a Federal law that requires all citizens to discuss politics or be subjected to the most heinous form of torture known to man (it's illegal to describe this form of torture or to use its official name, but I can tell you that it involves rubber gloves, a parking cone, chocolate syrup, tic-tacs and a pack of rabid squirrels), I have decided to meet my patriotic duty here.

There has been an abundance of celebrity endorsements this year, which makes it so much more fun. Especially when the cast involves the likes of Chuck Norris and Hulk Hogan. This has made me wonder how the candidates would respond to the following people endorsing them. What if . . . .

1. Marylin Manson endorsed Mike Huckabee?



2. Rosie O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney?



3. OJ Simpson endorsed John McCain?



4. Andrew Dice Clay endorsed Hillary Clinton?



5. Archie Bunker endorsed Barack Obama?

Which also made me wonder how things would be different if the candidates had to pick a celebrity to represent them in a cage match....would people be making fun of the Hulk Hogan endorsement then? Hulk, Arnold, Chuck Norris....there is potential here people. This also makes me wonder if the candidates had super powers, what would they be???

• John Edwards = Super Agility - Ability to dodge anything, anywhere while telling you what you were really concerned with and illustrating that with a story about Jenny Sampson from Cedar Rapids.



• Mitt Romney = Bulletproof Hair



• Rudi Giuliani = The ability to steal your mortal soul (This would be a power granted to him by his enslaving elemental demon)



• Hillary Clinton = Hillary would be kinda like Green Lantern. She would be able to make anything happen with her magic ring given to her by space aliens. In this case, Hillary's magic ring is Bill.



• Barack Obama = As an agent for change, Barack's super power would be that he could change the past...except only for really trivial events. Like that time you put that stamp on the envelope just a little skewed and it really annoyed you....he could fix that.



• John McCain = Conspires with Stephen Hawking to make Robotic Exoskeleton (see Onion Story) to eliminate worries of health.

When did we really start to care which candidate a celebrity endorsed? Last night, they were making a big deal about Robert DeNiro endorsing Obama. So? Who really cares? You know what really gets my vote: witty bumper stickers. Here are some that would catch my eye (I am hereby copyrighting these):

• "Don't Give Me No Shit, I Voted For Mitt!"



• "Vote for Obama, or I'll Backhand Yo Mama!"



• "Raise Your Hand if You Support McCain!" (That's funny as hell if you get it)



• "I Voted Huckabee. That movie was an existential masterpiece!"



• "I voted for WHICH Clinton??!?!?!?"