Useless Advice Mondays: Screw the Man

The man is evil. The man wants you to buy furniture on credit (no payments until 2047!), work in a cubicle, and procreate until your loins can't take any more. The man wants you to pledge allegiance to Best Buy and to grovel at the feet of Larry King. The man wears a bowtie.

Screw the man, that's my advice.

Some might question why I'm posting my "Useless Advice Mondays" blog on Tuesday. Why? It's simple: I'm saying screw the man. Today is my first day back to work since I was busy celebrating presidents past and present (and, at least theoretically, future) on Monday. As such, today is my Monday. It doesn't matter what day you come back to work on. If it's your first day back, it will suck and it's Monday.

Some other ways one can screw the man:

1. On the day after Thanksgiving, don't run out to buy crap. It's all a sham. They're discounting crap you didn't want anyway and are telling you what a good deal it is. That's how you end up with a case of light bulbs from your Aunt Bernice and a combo TV/Melon Baller from your Grandma. The man tricked them. Aunt Bernice had a shiny new iPod nano all picked out for you and then she say the Mega-Low Mart ad for the light bulbs (retail price $17.97, special price $.02). She couldn't resist. The man doesn't want you to have the nano. The man hates Apple.
2. When you get a new mattress, DO NOT remove the tag. The man wants you to do that. That's why he put a big "DO NOT REMOVE" tag on something that has no need for a tag. It's a mattress. I'm not going to need to refer to care instructions down the road. If there's a fire in my house, I'm not going to pause to determine if the mattress is flammable or not. But there it is, all big and glaring.....just begging you to tear it off. That's the man trying to exert some passive control on you. Screw the man.


3. Collect junk mail. When you get an adequate amount, shove it all into the first pre-screened credit card offer reply envelope that your receive. Make sure to include a note such as "No thank you. I'm not interested in your offer. Here are some other offers that YOU might be interested in though." Send postage prepaid envelope back. The man hates junk mail.


4. Don't sign up for one of those grocery store club/preferred customer cards. You're not in a club, and they don't prefer you. That's just the man trying to keep tabs on you. Alternatively, for those who really want to screw the man, DO sign up for one and disperse the 4 cards they give you to different people in different parts of the country. Let the man try to correlate your simultaneous purchases of cat food, tampons, BBQ sauce and baby carrots in 4 different states. The man hates statistical analysis anomoles.


5. Refer to the man as "Hank". This is not the man's name and the man hates it when people get him confused with anyone, especially Hank.

Invariably, if you screw the man enough, the man will become angry and start a new telemarketing campaign with you as the sole number on the dialing list. This is to be expected and is typical man behavior. Fortunately, someone before you has been screwed by the man and created the Do Not Call list. Use this to your advantage, it's Man Kryptonite. Until the list takes effect, screw the man by confusing his minions. Since the advent of caller ID, you generally have a good idea when the man is calling. This display looks something like this:

The Man, LLC 1-800-877-2793 (1-800-URSCRWD)

When you see this number, answer the phone with one of the following phrases:

1. "Thank you for calling Giavanno's Pizza, pick up or delivery?" (Don't use Domino's. The man owns Domine's and he knows that he doesn't have a franchise in your house, yet.)


2. "THANK GOD YOU CALLED OFFICER!!!! THE CAT IS STILL STUCK IN THE MAYONAISE JAR AND HAS GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT!!!!"


3. "Hi, this is an automated message for (use a robotic voice) Tom Jones. Is this Tom Jones?" Then just pause. When the man's lesser demon starts talking, just say "I'm sorry. I did not understand your response." repeat until minion terminates call. (The man hates Tom Jones because he's jealous of him. Nobody ever threw their panties at the man.)


4. "Hola. Gracias por llamar a doctor Javier Lopez, proctologist. ¿Su nombre por favor?"