Useless Advice Mondays - Tem anti-séptico?

Despite our own confidence or ego, there are times when we must accept that others know better, and we should heed their advice. While watching the stunningly-bad film "Night of the Creeps" Saturday night, I was reminded of this (I was also reminded as to why I shouldn't be allowed to go over channel 75). For those not fimiliar with this film, I would suggest it as a case study in what can go wrong when one tries to tie too many horror genres into one film. This one tries to combine aliens, parasites, zombies and axe murderers into one.....it doesn't really work. The redeeming qualities are that a) it's set in the mid 80's which, by itself, makes it hilarious and b) in one of the scenes, this kid is in a public bathroom that has "Stryper Rules" written on the wall. How hilarious is that?

So in the begining of this movie, this couple is in their car at (what I'll refere to as) "The Point" when the announcer on the radio comes on with a news flash announcing the escape of a homicidal axe murderer from the local mental institution. They largely ignore this right about until the announcer comes back on later (after the kids have left said "Point" and are now in the woods investigating some unidentified object that fell from outer space .... yeah ... see?) when the girl is by herself in the car and basically says "The Axe Murder was last seen in the remote wooded area, where you are currently parked, wielding an axe ....... just above your head." At this point, our fair lady actually begins to pay attention. Needless to say, things do not work out weel for little miss can't be wrong, and the "story" progresses (or regresses, not sure) from there. This reminded me of the following bit of advice:

If you ever find yourself on the coast of Brazil (or on the coast of an island off the coast of Brazil, to be more exact), and you are about to embark on a lovely kayaking trip on the ocean when a weathered old Brazillian fisherman comes running up gesturing wildly and saying something in Portugese about "wind" and "water", all the while looking very concerned, DO NOT ignore this man. He has some good information and should be listened to, even if you've only made out two words form his wild arm movements. Take my advice on this. That cat knows what he's talking about. Lets look at his qualifications:

1. 
   He's a fisherman, therefore it would stand to reason that he knows the sea. Unless he was a really bad fisherman, but then he probably wouldn't still be a fisherman, so that kinda cancels itself out.


2. 
   He's old, therefore he has yet to be killed, maimed (one could argue that just being old does not disqualify one from having been maimed however I can assure you, he was quite spry as he ran over with a sense of urgency to be ignored by my all-knowing ass) or snatched by vicious sea creatures, so he must be doing something right.


3. 
   He's observant and kind-hearted: I mean he noticed that we were preparing to embark on our S.S.Minnow-like journey and tried to prevent us from doing so.

So, in hindsight, I can completely translate what this guy was saying, and shall do so for you here. Heed this advice, should you ever find yourself in this situation (Translated from Brazillian Portugese):

OWF (Old Weathered Fisherman): "Hey! You! Dumbass getting into the kayak!"

OWF comes loping over, waving arms, clearly concerned


OWF: "Yeah you. Check it out home boy: The wind's coming in pretty damn hard and once you get to the end of that penninsula,"

OWF points to penninsula

OWF: "It's going to get pretty nasty and hard to continue. Now I'm telling you this because you look like the kind of dipshit that would get in a kayak and try to get around that thing, but I'm here to tell you chief, you're ass will be toast. Not only your ass, but the LSMHFJ will be ass-out as well."

Author's Note: (how he knew her code name still bewilders me)

OWF: "Here's what I'm suggesting numbnuts: Sit back, have another com Gas and just chill for a little bit. That shit's gonna die down in about an hour and then you'll be alright. But if you go now, your definately screwed. Not only is it likely that you'll be swept out to sea, but you'll probably either drown or be eaten by the Kraken. I'm just sayin'."

ME (clearly confused having only understood "Water" and "Wind" and having a severe case of cockiness): "Umm, no thanks. We'll be fine."

I am forced, at this juncture, to point out the the LSMHFJ did indeed have a better understanding of Wild Old Fisherman Sign Language and uttered the oft-reminded phrase of "Maybe we shouldn't go out, I think he's saying it's a bad idea."

So, needless to say, things did not go well. Right about the time we got to the end on the previously pointed-out penninsula, things turned fugly. This resulted in the eventual abandoning of ship, water rescue of LSMHFJ's kayak, gashing of leg on barnacle encrusted rocks under sea, eventual salvation of land, portage of kayaks trough jungle territory (with no map or real sense of location/direction), and unfortuante requirement to learn the following phrase in Portugese: "Do you have anti-septic?". I can assure you, when on a remote island in a country where English is not the primary language, you really don't want to have to learn that phrase.